Life and Soul

4 years on

Yesterday marked the forth year since Jamie left his feeble and battered body and his spirit/soul/presence rushed out to be free; free from the cancer; free from his bed; free from the his mad hair which changed his appearance into a twin of ‘Shaggy’ from ‘Scooby Doo’ when he sprouted his fluorescent ginger beard, exaggerated by the jaundice in last few weeks of his life; free from the meds that made him sick and exhausted; free from dependancy on others ; In all, free from a lifeless life.

Recently, someone asked me…
“Why do you ‘celebrate’ the day he died? I understand celebrating his birthday, as that celebrates his life. But why his death? It only makes everyone sad, cry and miss him even more?”

At first I didn’t know what to answer as it just always seemed natural to raise a glass and wipe the tears every year on the day he was born and on the day he died. However, although many of us grieved each day, I also asked for pictures and anecdotes and video for Facebook & for his website, asking people to contribute each year on the days of birth and death. Have I, unconsciously dragged both my family and friends through twice the days of sadnesses too?

I thought my reasons to remember the day James died, were a) to stick my finger up in an unladylike way at death and b) to show James, wherever he was, that he was still loved, still missed and still alive in our lives. c) it an excuse to get together as friends and family, to tell the incredible amount of “do you remember when…” Stories to prove that, though his body was gone his life carried on in the stories and tears. Plus, well – let’s be honest, Jamie would have liked to be an official excuse for as many people he knew to be ‘wasted’ in his name.

All I could think to say in the end was, yes, his Birthday does celebrate his life and is happier than the day of his death. Yet, i also feel the sharp loss, sadness and tearful giggles produced by our memories we tend to remember only on the days we think about his death. Both tears and smiles are vital. For example, It’s crucial to know that Jamie was ONLY forty to appreciate how much he achieved (and how much trouble he caused). Yet, I am his little sister and I am 43. Am I now his big sister???!.

It is very strange, but the knowledge of me and all of his friends and family that survive him, getting older while he stays cheeky, difficult, handsome, sometimes deep and sometimes very funny ( try to read some of his entries in his work books/diaries available on his website) would be something he would wickedly enjoy. i can almost hear him laughing at us in a across time. A free and easy sound ( somewhere between Mutley and Scooby) and I know why I mark his death as well as his birth.
Like all good big brothers he made me cry as much as he made me laugh.
It’s just how it goes.
…….